2013: The Year of Rejection or The Year of Acceptance, Depends On How You Look At It

I was new to the Detroit area.  I had few friends.  I did everything right.  I was charming, and fun, and sincere.  I was generous with my time and energy, but also had my own life (or so I made it seem).  I was available, but not desperate.  I was forgiving when this particular group of people (especially the girls) didn’t accept me right away.  I was forgiving when each of the men tried to hook up with me (some were better at it than others).  I helped them, and genuinely listened to them.  I was forgiving when one member of the group was saying not so great things about me to everyone without really knowing me due to jealousy.  I wanted them to know I cared about them, each of them.  I wanted them to know that I wanted to be their friend.  I liked them.  It happened when things seemed to finally be at a good place with this group.  I was starting to be invited on my own to hang out with the girls.  I was starting to share more of myself with individuals in the group.  I was finding a place in the group that wasn’t because I was with one of the men, but because I was me, all by myself.  After receiving an obscure text from one of the girls, I realized that everybody thought I had done something that I absolutely did not do.  It was a direct attack on my character, and I was devastated.  Finding out that the man I thought the most of in this group thought the worst of me was the final blow.  It didn’t matter how much I had proved myself the previous two years.  I never heard from anyone in the group again.  

Something strange happened, though.  For the first time ever I didn’t try to fix it.  I always fix it.  Whoever is at fault, or whatever has happened, I always fix it.  I realized that it didn’t matter.  No matter what I did these people were going to reject me anyway.  I had already done all the work, everything I could possibly do to be their friend, and it didn’t matter.  I realized I could do all that work again to convince everyone that the rumor was not true, but for what?  For them to just find something else further down the road and have to do it all over again?  I was tired.  I didn’t have it in me to fight for myself anymore.  I let them all go without saying a word to any of them.  That might prove to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.

You see, I have banked my whole life on validation from people.  I seek it constantly, whether it’s a nod, a smile, an invitation, or applause.  I don’t actually have to hang out with people, I just usually want to know that I’m invited, accepted, picked for the team.  I have been this way as far back as I can remember.  I learned early that you can get validation from people without actually having to follow through on something.  Just the idea might be enough to get you included or invited.  I have lived my life simply imitating success.  As long as people liked me, I felt successful.    

I moved around a lot as a kid (well, even more as an adult, I suppose).  Every place you enter has a certain protocol for being accepted.  I am observant enough to learn that protocol quickly and imitate it.  I have been doing this since I was very young.  I have become so good at it that sometimes I’m not sure when I’m imitating and when I’m actually enjoying myself.  I have learned to find a way to enjoy myself no matter what the circumstance.  Well, somewhere around 5th grade, the confidence was...lost?  I faltered.  You can’t falter at that age group, people notice, and it affected how much I was accepted.  Before I knew it I was trying too hard.  Now, that is the worst thing you can do at that age.  I took another hit in 6th grade (at a new school) when two friends of mine turned on me quite abruptly, and I was bullied for months.  I didn’t try to fix it.  I stood up to it, and stood up for myself, eventually earning the respect of my other classmates, and earning an apology from the bullies by the end of the year.  I was wiped out, though.  All those nights of crying myself to sleep, and working so hard to maintain my status with my classmates.  I had done it.  I had fought my way back to the top.  Unfortunately, I moved to a different state a few weeks later.  

Now, if there’s one thing that’s tough to comprehend and imitate, it’s small town politics.  The problem with being new to a small town is the rules are set before you get there, and the roles have been established very early.  The labels are already made, and they have one waiting for you when you walk in the door.  Unless you are absolutely gorgeous, than the rules don’t apply to you.  I’m not gorgeous.  I figured it out, though.  I fought and scraped and scrambled, even when I didn’t get it quite right.  I never got it quite right, and probably tried too hard most of the time, but I got it enough to find some success while I was there.  (Remember, when I talk about success, to me it was being invited, included...didn’t matter how many roles or awards I had.  What mattered to me was how many invitations I had received to sit at the important table.)  This whole thing became worse when I got into college, eventually leading me down a spiral of not-awesome times.  I had not learned how to be healthy, or make healthy choices, without validation from others.  I became desperate.  The less it worked, the more I compromised my very moral being to get that invitation.  What they don’t tell you when you are growing up is that as an adult you will face rejection more than you ever did as a kid.  As a kid, sometimes you are included and accepted just for being a kid.  As an adult, no one is looking to stroke your ego.  What they don’t tell you when you are growing up is, if validation is the most important thing to you, you are going to end up very lonely as an adult.  I wasn’t just lonely, I was confused.  What had I worked so hard for?  Nobody cared.  So, I found a ministry group, and the whole process started again.  When that fizzled out, I found a theatre group, and the whole process started again.  The trouble is, I wasn’t learning any lessons, I was just jumping to a different group when things got tough.  I was continually seeking ‘success‘ (validation), like they tell you to do as an adult.  Seek success, right?  The problem was, I was working so hard to seek success, I wasn’t actually taking time to learn very many skills.  I never practiced anything to the point of mastering it.  I never learned and/or applied the concept of delayed gratification.  I was too busy trying to be successful.  I was too busy imitating success.  The trouble with imitation is it is all on the surface.  The weirdest thing about all of this is my propensity for vulnerability.  I genuinely like people.  I genuinely want people to like themselves.  I want people to genuinely like me.    

It was at the height of finding success in the Saginaw community that I received another blow, a permanent pink slip.  Everything I had worked so hard for to earn my ‘success‘ was for nothing.  I had to switch groups...again.  This time, it wasn’t my choice.  I decided to go to a bigger pool of options.  I needed a much larger community.  I have always been a city girl with a heart for the mountains.  I was tired from all the small town politics.  I was going to Detroit.  Something stirred in me for the first time ever when I walked around Detroit.  I saw myself in the broken walls of this city.  I saw myself in the hopeful eyes of the young artist, and the weathered face of the ‘lived here all my life’ gas station attendant.  Maybe, if I work to repair the streets of this city, somewhere along the line I could repair my brokenness, too.  That sounds good, right?  Haha.  Too bad that’s not what I thought at all.  I’m pretty sure my thoughts were more along the line of, ‘it sure would be easy to do something great here, and not have to work very hard to be successful again’.  Still, there was something about this city, and the few people I met early on, that stirred something in me.  Something different was happening, I just didn’t know it yet.       

As an adult it gets harder to find your way into a group of friends.  Everyone already has their group established, and people can be pretty protective over letting anyone else in the group.  It’s much worse than when you are a kid, especially as a single woman.  You’re either a threat or a possible hookup.  I don’t want to be either of those things.  That’s why I usually date loners, or the grumpy guy nobody can quite figure out.  They might have friends, but they spend a lot of time by themselves.  Unfortunately, they are usually loners for a reason, and they don’t do well over time with a bubbly, pensive, social, empathetic daydreamer with ants in her pants.  

Well, I found this Detroit group early, and spent two years trying to find success in that group.  I ended up rejected and alone, even after doing everything right.  Luckily, in that time, I had found my way into a new house right downtown.  These people were very different from me, so I just kept trying to find success with this other group, and would minimally hang out with my new housemates.  After being totally rejected and accepting it, I began to crawl out of my room and get to know my housemates.  Something strange was happening.  There was no protocol for success with these people.  I could be loud, quiet, pensive, blunt, silly, faithful, genuine, gregarious, or formidable.  It didn’t matter.  They responded to me the same.  I wish I could say that the cycle stopped there, of me pursuing ‘success’.  It didn’t.  I jumped headlong into another relationship with a different man and a different group of people I have known for over a decade.  I became even more desperate than ever before, and by the end of the Summer I had crashed and burned with another group.  Yikes.  This rejection didn’t hurt as much, though.  I began to see how unhealthy this all was, and I was considering how to change my thinking, and therefore change my behavior.  I let them go a little bit easier than the last group, which is strange because my investment in this group was much deeper.  I have not heard from the man who brought me into this group.  He has dropped me from his life completely.  I have not tried to fix it.  I let him go.  Surprisingly, because of that, I feel.....free.    

At that time, I had began Grad School, and was introduced to a whole different group of people.  Normally, that would be viewed by me as a great escape, and the cycle would just continue.  However, I was beginning to pinpoint unhealthy patterns in my life, and was ready to do the work, the real work that would bring me to actual success, and not just a poor imitation of living a successful life through validation from others.  It’s happening.  I’m not sure what these new people feel about me.  Every once in a while I catch myself preoccupied with the thought, and I let it go as soon as I am aware of it.  What I have learned is that true success and healthy relationships need time.  That is one thing I was never willing to give, make, or allow in the past.  I struggle.  I struggle every day, and need constant reminders that it will take time.  I am at the beginning of this concept of delayed gratification, so you can guess that I suffer from a lack of patience concerning the outcomes of my new healthy choices.  Right now I just have to trust.  I have to trust that anything is worth a shot and better than what I have been doing for the past 30 years.  

My housemates have been crucial in this time of transition.  They haven’t changed how they respond to me, even though I have changed quite a bit since I moved in last February.  Their consistency in acknowledging me and appreciating me has been a good lesson for me.  While the first group showed me no matter what you do some people will still reject you, my housemates have shown me that no matter what you do some people will still love you, too.

New Years Eve.  Haha.  Last New Years Eve, my ex-boyfriend (whom I was still living with at the time) met a girl and had a great, romantic New Years Eve kiss.  He and I had kind of reconnected over Christmas, so you can imagine my surprise two weeks later when he told me about his amazing New Years Eve, and this amazing new girl in his life.  A month later he invited her over to spend the night, and I moved out.  Normally, that would make today extra tough.  All I can think, though, is that isn’t me.  I actually have no idea what is going on in his life right now.  I’m not there, and I don’t want to be there.  I’m doing my own thing, living my own life, and I am free.  I feel free.  I feel light.  I feel like I have so much to learn, but I am learning it, in a healthy way, with healthy people.  Due to my car being down, I have to spend my New Years Eve at home.  Lucky for me, my housemates are throwing a party.  I am meant to be with this group of people for New Years Eve.  It is sort of our last hurrah as a group, as some have already moved out, and others will be moving out in the next month or so, and I am leaving in a few weeks.  It makes so much sense to ring in the new year with these amazing folks.     

That guy, the one who meant the most to me in that group who rejected me?  Well, I ran into him the other day, and he told me he owes me an apology.  Turns out (surprise, surprise) someone lied to him about what had happened.  He told me that he had been meaning to call me since he found out.  Normally, I would forgive and jump right back into the whole cycle again.  Normally, a conversation like that would bring so much happiness.  Normally, that would be enough to make me think that I had won, and I was successful.  However, when he walked away, I realized that if he truly felt bad, and really had been sorry about how he had treated me, he would have called me as soon as he found out it was all a lie.  I realized, he seemed more upset about the fact that someone had lied to him than how that caused him to treat me.  I realized he doesn’t really care about me.  Instead of sadness, I felt free.  If I can begin to establish those boundaries with him, of all people, maybe, over time, I can begin to establish boundaries with people before I allow myself to be so broken by them, especially men.  Perhaps, I can find validation by being happy with my own healthy choices that lead to healthy relationships that lead to great opportunities to actually do the work or master the skill.  I am redefining success.  Right now, that is still all a bit confusing.  Right now, I’m giving myself the time to figure it out.  It’s a great place to be. 

Through all of this beautiful disaster that was 2013, God has never let me go, or let me fall below where He can catch me.  I always come back to Him, and He always comforts me in a way only He knows how.  I have found someone to share my life with, and He has proven to be everything I ever wanted in a partner, a teammate.  My Lord is my Savior...and He is my friend.  He is the first I have ever truly trusted.  My first trusting relationship is with the God who created me.  I’ll take it.  I am not going to hope, or dream, or establish any resolution for 2014.  I am going to put one foot in front of the other, continue to establish and make healthy choices, allow myself time and mistakes, and continually express gratitude for the God who makes it all possible.  I am going to love God and love others, but I am also going to begin to get to know and love myself.  I honestly, right now, have no idea what that means or how that looks exactly, but I know it’s good.  It’s all good.  Happy 2014.  :)          

Sometimes Obedience Comes First, Then God Shows Up

After standing in the cold for a couple of hours, holding onto whatever warmth I could gather from my hot chocolate, and singing Christmas carols and dancing with the group of little girls who were standing close by, they finally lit the Christmas tree in Campus Martius!  It was a wonderful moment, and a great atmosphere overall.

As we were walking back to the car, I noticed a pile of blankets in the corner of a doorway of one of the empty buildings.  As we passed by, I realized it was moving...it was a person, trying to sleep.  It was 28 degrees outside.  I kept walking.

We got in the car and headed home, remarking how ironic and sad it was that people were sleeping in the doorway of an empty building.  I thought that might be the end of it.  I thought it was just another day in my life, a day of celebration until I invariably notice someone who has no reason to celebrate, and then I become a bit melancholy, and struggle to enjoy the blessings in my own life.

I couldn't get comfortable when I got home.  I posted a picture of the enchanting festivities, but then also felt compelled to at least mention the person sleeping in the doorway.  I appreciate those who responded, no matter the context of their response.  I know everyone is simply coming from a place of love, and so I kindly accept it, listen, and appreciate the gesture.  I pray that God challenges my heart to respond that way anytime someone comes at me with something...whether they're coming from a place of love or not.  Pride so often keeps me from really listening.

I thought, 'What can I do?  Tonight I should go to bed.  Next time I will stop.'  That's what I think every time I pass by someone living on the street, or the lonely, or a peculiar situation.  I can't possibly do something for every single one of them, right?  'Next time, if the variables are all lined up, and God really puts it on my heart to do something specific, next time I will stop.'  I conveniently remind myself if I wasn't compelled to do something specific it must mean God didn't really want me to do anything.  God knows I don't have resources to help someone, especially right now.  God knows I'm a girl, all by myself, with little in the way of safety and/or security.  Yeah.....God knows.

But, then I did something unorthodox.  I didn't give myself time to think it to death.  I began to change out of my pajamas and back into warm clothes.  I tucked my hair up under a hat and headed out the door.  I knew it was inconvenient.  I knew it didn't make any sense.  But I also knew those are usually the special ingredients God likes when He is about to work.  I didn't feel this great prompting from God.  I just knew that I could do the same for that person as I did for myself that night.  I could buy a hot chocolate.

I got a little nervous as I got into my car.  It was a fear and trembling, but with it came a freedom in the lower part of my chest that told me I was making the right choice.  Sometimes obedience comes first, and then God shows up.  So I said to the Lord, "I will drive by, if that person is there, I will stop and buy a hot chocolate for them."  When I drove by, to my surprise, there was not just that same person there, but there was now a second heap of blankets in the doorway just around the corner from the first.

'Okay', I thought, 'what's next?'  As with any task lately from homework to housework, I broke it down into smaller steps so as not to get overwhelmed...parking first.  I started to become a little frustrated when looking for a parking space.  Those questions and statements that inevitably come at a time like this started swarming around my brain.  'If you can't find a parking spot that must mean it's not meant to be.  Go home.'  'What is hot chocolate going to do for them anyway?'  'You don't even know where there's a coffee shop...and you can't even find a place to park.'  'Go home and get in your nice warm bed and just be appreciative of what you have, that's enough for now.'  'You have a busy day tomorrow with an early morning start.  The responsible thing right now would be to be in bed.'

Without giving another thought I said, "God, I am not leaving here until I find a parking space!"  Turned the corner, and there it was, so I parked.  I brought my phone with me and just enough cash for two hot chocolates and locked up the rest of my stuff in the car.  I figured the first place to go would be back to the festivities.  I didn't even think that people would still be hanging out.  As I walked, I realized I was not cold, not in the least.  The air was light, and the atmosphere was still festive.  People were milling about, laughing, and taking pictures.  I felt a bit different than usual.  Sometimes, if I am feeling the plight of the poor, I begin to get bitter towards those who are rich.  I know that's not what God intends.  I know He loves all people the same.  That slight resentment didn't happen tonight.  I loved everyone.  I appreciated watching people celebrate.  I stood and stared with delight at the giant Christmas tree, and watched as people twirled around the ice rink.  I smiled and waved at the gentlemen tearing down the bleachers for the night, and stopped to talk to a couple of security officers.  I silently prayed for the people eating calamari and drinking wine in the Bistro, and wandered across the street with a family who you could tell knew they had kept their children out too late but totally thought it was worth it.  All the shops and food tents were closed down for the night.  I couldn't find any place to buy hot chocolate!  I said "God, I am not leaving here until I find hot chocolate!"  Walked around the corner, and there was a tent that said 'Open'.  It was a tent selling hot chocolate.  I bought two and headed back down the street.

As I drew nearer to the heap of blankets my pace slowed.  I didn't really have a plan.  I kept walking anyway and prayed for guidance.  As I approached the corner, I decided to go to the new heap of blankets first.  I approached and said softly "I have some hot chocolate for you.  Would you like some hot chocolate?"  The blankets stirred and a gentle voice said "Oh yes!"  The blanket was removed and I was met with an older woman with a gentle and radiant disposition.  She looked to be in her late 50's, was clearly not drunk, was not dirty, and was very articulate.  (I list these things specifically because, unfortunately, I believe they are three things people generally expect from a homeless person.)  I was so stunned I didn't move for a second.  I handed her the hot chocolate and the dollar that I had with it.  I asked her for her name and she said it was Sonya.  She said "God bless you", and I said, "God bless YOU.  God blesses me every day all day long."  I was not so articulate.  I walked away quickly so as not to disrupt too much the warmth she had acquired in her little cocoon she had made.  I walked around the corner and took a quick inventory of the next heap.  The blanket had slipped off of him a bit, and he looked to be asleep.  There was an empty half pint of vodka near him.  I quietly said twice that I had hot chocolate, and then gently set it down next to him with the dollar folded under it.  He didn't budge.  I walked away....wondering what else I could do.

'I should go back and talk to Sonya', I thought, but quickly dismissed the idea, realizing that would be selfish on my part.  That would take all the warmth out of her blankets to open up and talk to me.  'I know', I thought as I hopped into my car, 'I'll pull up nearby and let her sit in my car for a while.'  I pulled up to the light near the heaps of blankets in the doorway, and then kept driving.  It was okay.  I had done what I came to do.  Nothing more was required of me.  What I appreciated is that I didn't have this overwhelming feeling of joy, or euphoria, or sadness.  It was this balanced peace.  It was a feeling of obedience, but also a conviction to change my own lifestyle, but also joy from the festivities of the night and how many people were so blessed and happy, but also a sense of gratitude for my own blessings, but also a feeling that we can all do a little more, but also....I was finally getting sleepy.  I could comfortably, and gratefully, go to bed.  I was happy to think about getting up in the morning for my job (I had just been half-grumbling a bit about it to my housemate earlier in the night).  I have the chance, in the morning, to encounter even more people.  I get to smile and offer love and energy to future college freshmen and their parents, and maybe even offer opportunity.  I get to arrive on time and serve my job with integrity.  I get to spend tomorrow evening studying and beginning to piece together final projects for my classes.  That is all that is required of me today...to serve and honor God by disciplining myself (with His help and guidance, of course) to acknowledge and work hard at the opportunities He has allowed in my life, to use my time effectively, to not waste any resources, to love each person I encounter (whether in person or someone who happens to pop into my mind), and to be grateful for all of it.

I pray God looks on Sonya, and the man around the corner, with favor tonight.  I also pray He looks on me with favor tonight and continues to convict my heart concerning His people.  I also pray He looks on you with favor tonight, as well.  To God be the glory!

"Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law or by believing what you heard?  Are you so foolish?  After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?....Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?"
-Galatians 3:2-5              

 

crescent Moon

sitting on the cusp of broken
eyes twinkling
restless, wandering feet
(which point inward as i stand and observe)
in the center
smiling, laughing, teasing, loving

Rise
okay
Walk
okay
Sit
okay
Be quiet
okay
Speak up
okay
You're right
okay
You're wrong
okay

letting the broken lead, waiting
Breaking
Tearing
Taking
Dressing
okay

i know what you need
breath
touch
tenderness
love
trust
okay

Journeymen
Journey
Men

Get in the car
okay
Get out
okay

the cusp is cold



My Child
no
Dear One
no more
I Love You
so did they
No




aching
I Know
i deserved it
No
i asked for it
I Know
all but one
The First
the first
I Was There
i know
No More
okay
No More
no
No More
they need me
No More


i need them



My Body Was Broken
mine too
Broken For You
and for them
Yes
they need me
They Need ME
i need them


i asked for it



I Know
they broke me
They Broke Me Too
you died
Yes
i want to die too
Okay
you live
Yes
i want to live too
Okay


There Is No Cusp
an illusion
Yes



there is only whole
Yes





Sitting
eyes twinkling
Smiling
laughing
Loving


Whole

Raiders fans need not apply.......

Oh my goodness....if a man sent me an Elway jersey circa 1984-ish (vintage orange!)...I might marry him.  Of course, he would also have to play "Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera for me at some point at a party/event, and dedicate it to me, so I'm totally embarassed, but totally in love with him...and go rollerskating (maybe just once:)....and fishing....and be willing to live in Downtown Detroit....and have a rooftop garden...and play catch...and mentor foster kids who are aging out of the system...and forgive me for the the occasional cigar (like once a year...really...nbd)...and know that God is first in my life.  Period....and be willing to understand that I will feed homeless people....and that I am silly...a lot....(but also super intense, and internal, at times)...and I love to dance....just let me dance....and that if he's grumpy, I will try to make him smile, and it will probably annoy him....and that if I'm grumpy, I just need some alone time...or possibly some orange juice, and just don't realize it.....and deal with my old school WWE love.....and sometimes I might want to sleep in separate rooms, but not because I don't love him, but just because I need some sleep, and probably want to watch shows that I know he probably won't like, or want to read a novel in one sitting......and I'll definitely want a dog....a big one.....and I'll probably give the dog a really lame name like "Buddy"...and he would have to be willing to excuse my 80's hairband obsession....and I will fall in love with his family, and want to hang out with them...and know that I will probably try to surprise him all. the. time.....it's obnoxious really....and I will want to contribute, like, fix things and stuff...but I won't know how...but I'll try anyway, and probably get frustrated....and that even though I act tough, from him, I'll take a hug, or a compliment, anytime, in fact, I probably need either one, just like, a few times a week, or maybe even just once a week....and that I'll probably try everything he likes, and even start to like it...but I do have the things I like, and want him to care about those things, even if it's just for pretend, and he'll probably need to push me to do the things I like, instead of always doing the things he likes (or else, after a while, I might start to need some orange juice ;)....and a surprise from him every once in a while (like every month or two, even just a little note) would keep me totally crazy about him.........but the Elway jersey would be a start....  :) :) :)

If I decided to try the online dating thing ever again, this might be a good profile.  I'm so not into it, though.  I have recently realized a husband is not on my bucket list.  Sorry, bros...just not a priority anymore....but if they want to hang as friendsies...or go fishing, or play catch...I'm game.  I have so much to learn.....

"You have Attention Deficit Disorder." Great. Now tell me something I don't know....

When reading the information I have shared below, one might question why I would share such intimate details with...everyone.  I feel vulnerability is powerful.  We are all human.  We can learn from one another.  I also feel there are certain things that should remain mostly private, at least until they have manifested into some kind of positive action.  There are many details that I have not, and will not, share, at least for now.  However, someone else might be experiencing some of the things I have or am experiencing.  So often we keep the best parts of ourselves under lock and key.  Self discovery, believe it or not, cannot happen simply within or by ourselves.  It is through other people sharing their stories, their vulnerability, that we learn what to forgive about ourselves and/or others and let go, what to fight to keep, and what we have in our control to change.  If you choose, for some reason, to use what I share with you against me in some way (whether externally by gossiping, or internally, judging me or even rejecting me) well, that will just have to be your problem.  I choose not to make it mine.     

Not many people know this, but the past few weeks I have began long term psychotherapy, and, as part of that, I have been taking part in an evaluation for Attention Deficit Disorder.  I should have realized where this was headed when, with my permission, a team of clinical psychology graduate students and clinical psychologists have jumped on board and taken an interest in my story/evaluation/treatment plan.  (I get a whole team!)  Today, I found out the final verdict of the evaluation.  I have Attention Deficit Disorder.  Okay.  So, tell me something I don’t know....

Well, they did.  We went line by line, and I figured out where some of my highest percentage of atypical behavior occurs.  Some of those include switching tasks (or actually beginning new tasks/projects/assignments), any repeated response or task (mundane or daily tasks)  (Sidenote:  I actually became distracted if there was even as little as a 5 second delay between responses requested...5 seconds!  Haha...yowza.  That explains a lot.), seeing one task or thought through to completion (often causing interruptions in my own or others’ lives), organizing information, and (big shocker) sensory distractions.  They obviously used better terminology to describe it, but that is what I remember off the top of my head.  Some good information I learned:  impulse control is not a problem for me.  I always thought that was one of my biggest issues.  Turns out, that one was all in my head.  That is good news.  The truth, I’ve probably always had ADD.  It’s part of my chemical makeup, and these behaviors have been part of me as long as I can remember.  The truth, I’ve never really believed in the diagnosis.  So why go through the evaluation?  Well, I know that I have come up with every adaptive device on my own, as a child, and now as an adult, to gain more focus and discipline, and they just aren’t working anymore, or maybe they never did in the first place.  Or, perhaps, I have just grown tired of excuses, apologies, justifications, and backdoor ways of working things out.  I am tired of always working on deadlines that have come and gone.  I’m always behind.  I can’t fake my way, or talk my way, or charm my way through Grad School...and I don’t want to.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  It’s time to figure it all out, construct a game plan, and work towards becoming the best possible version of myself.  People say, okay, just do it then.  Haha.  No offense, but what do you know?  I try.  I try harder than anyone you probably know.  I’ve been trying, and fighting myself, and trying harder, and getting so unbelievably discouraged throughout so much of my life.  Most of this battle has been private.  Sometimes, it has come out through my irritability, or even my silliness.  Those people who have been closest to me for longer periods of time, or on a more intimate level, have known my battle well.  I would hate that they knew, and become reprehensible at times.  I could beg their forgiveness now, I suppose, but we all are reprehensible at times for different reasons.  I think we’re all pretty even.  No blame, no apologies, no drama needed.  I’ve seen it in them as much as they’ve seen it in me.  The past is the past.  Nothing I can do to change any of it.  What I need is a chance to let go of the past.  What I need is action now, in the present.  What I need is a plan that is actually realistic for my desired outcomes, taking into consideration who I am and how I work.  The plan must include a great deal of structure and accountability.  A plan.  Wait, doesn’t a plan for people with ADD usually include medication?       

When I began this process, the thought of medication is actually what stirred me on.  I might actually be able to get help.  I might be able to fix....me, and pretty quickly and easily, too.  I asked lots of questions of people who are currently taking medication, or who have in the past.  I looked everything up online (whether a viable source or not) and in medical journals.  I was ready to maybe actually believe in it.  I found myself, in the first couple of weeks of school, wondering what I would be able to accomplish in a day if I started taking Aderall (or equivalent).  I found myself getting more and more irritated when things would start slipping through the cracks, thinking ‘Why can’t they just give me trial pills now, before I fail and/or get fired and it’s too late?‘  I even considered acquiring medication in a backdoor way through friends.  Not cool.  Lots of crazy little thoughts going through my head as I was working my tail off, and probably working at 60% efficiency at best (subconsciously utilizing those old adaptive devices the best I could).  The stress of beginning (and handling the abrupt end) of an important relationship, plus beginning long term therapy (for the first time ever, finally talking through some trauma I’ve experienced throughout my life), and starting a new job, and classes....I needed a break, or a leg up, or just some freaking Aderall, for Pete’s sake.  I was holding on, but not for long.  I could see the inevitable meetings, begging forgiveness and offering to work twice as hard if need be to complete tasks/assignments with my boss and/or professors, looming in the not so distant future.  It all was proving to be more than I could handle.  Or maybe not...

A little disclaimer here:  If you use these medications to which I am referring, please keep in mind, I’m not generalizing or patronizing you here.  When I am talking about the medication, I am talking about it as it pertains to me, specifically.  Do what you feel is best for you.  I am doing what I feel is best for me.  After discussing my options with the group of professionals who handled my evaluation, we have all come to the same conclusion, I will not be taking any medication for Attention Deficit Disorder.  In short, for me, medication is an external stimulant.  Outcomes from it do not actually come from anything within me.  I do not desire to ever feel I need it.  I do not desire to use it as an excuse.  I know that these things might happen if I begin to take medication.  I do desire to take complete ownership of my progress.  The only way I feel I can do that is to not introduce external chemical stimulants as part of my treatment plan.         

I have been a fighter my whole life.  I’m not sure I have given myself much credit for how much fighting I have actually had to do for my own life.  I’m tired.  However, fighting is in my nature.  It’s who I am.  I can’t help it.  Unfortunately, that means if I feel I am not fighting, I find something or someone, however unhealthy, in which to channel that fighting energy.  When I contextualize it, I realize so much of my energy/fighting has been...wasted.  Usually, it’s a fight for someone else, whether for them to gain resources, gain self-knowledge and self-esteem (but it’s usually someone who is not open or does not desire to change), or maybe a fight for a marginalized group (one I may or may not be part of).  Sometimes, it can be fighting a poor system in place, or fighting the powers that be if I feel solid leadership is lacking.  Sometimes, it’s a pronounced, outwardly fight.  Other times, it’s quiet, internal, or even *gulp* passive aggressive.  That all just sounds exhausting now.  But, I do know fighting is in my nature, so instead of ‘fighting‘ or trying so hard to change that part of me, why not use it to my advantage?  Why not take tangible steps to learn when to fight (appropriating my time efficiently), and how to fight (appropriating my energy effectively), and who to fight (something/someone actually in my control) with a specific goal in mind?  All those means and reasons for fighting above translate to things I actually cannot control.  I have been spending a majority of my life fighting systems/things/people that I cannot control.  No wonder I am so frustrated.  I have also used those fights as a smoke screen so that I don’t have to handle or take care of the one thing I do have control over....me.

Okay, so now what?  Well, now the real journey begins, the real work.  I have a team of educated professionals (in which I include my professors, my boss, etc, although they are involved on a more indirect level as far as treatment is concerned; there is only so much they need to know), and I have an amazing God who speaks to me regularly, and desires to guide me through a peaceful life (if only I’m willing to actually listen and follow Him), and I have a wealth of resources through friends and acquaintance who have knowledge and discipline in the areas where I need work.  We, myself and the educated professionals, are in the midst of constructing a tangible treatment plan for me that includes achieving financial knowledge and discipline, acquiring and maintaining attention/organization strategies, improving interpersonal relationships within my family, and exposing and confronting past traumatic experiences.  Normally, that would freak me out.  Normally, just the thought of it would exhaust/exasperate me.  Normally, I would eventually run for the hills.  Normally, I would keep doing the same thing over and over, because it’s comfortable and what I know.  Well, what I would normally do doesn’t work for me anymore.  I want better.  I am willing to work.  The frustration I will inevitably experience through this process (change can often be painful, uncomfortable, and scary) will actually lead to outcomes in which the benefits outweigh the pain of the process.  That is progress.  I already experience frustration, pain, despair, and discomfort on a regular basis.  Now, I can use it to focus on the clearly outlined, intended outcomes.  I can use that fighter within me for positive change within myself (that can only correlate to positive change in my outward environment).  I can  continue working (both inwardly through Christ, and outwardly, utilizing my resources of time/people/technology/money in an effective way).  I can learn.  I can change.  I can grow.  I can do this.  I will do this.  “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

I can blog....

From my phone! Now, I just have to learn to type with two hands.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Follow Me

Sitting here, thinking about people still affected by Hurricane Sandy, many forgotten homeless everywhere, desolate people in my own city, the malnourished, the lonely, so many....I almost can't stand it. Why would God allow me to live so comfortably? I feel troubled for a bit, and then I push it aside and continue living my comfortable life. I can't help but feel I might be called to do and give more....maybe everything. Isn't that what Jesus calls us to do? Can I help more people by remaining comfortable? Do I actually help more people, or do I just get distracted in my comfortable life? Are my resources better used as they are, or am I called to give up everything and walk with people, carrying nothing? God help me tonight as I read, and wrestle, ask, and listen....all with a grateful heart.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Gene Lamont IS my Tiger

I love the way my fingers feel on the keys as I type.  There’s something freeing in the feeling of typing so quickly as thoughts drift through my mind.  I guess thoughts fly through my mind more than drift...maybe even blaze...yeah, blaze through my mind.  Haha...blaze!

I am sitting here watching the Tigers play, and watching Game 7 of the NBA Finals.  I don’t generally watch NBA games, but I will watch the Playoffs, and the Finals.  I am a little overstimulated with the goodness on TV right now.  

I actually don’t think I’ll be able to type this and watch.

I think I’ll look up information on my beloved Gene Lamont.  I have a really great seat for Sundays game, thanks to Derica.  I plan on making a sign and finally sharing my appreciation for Gene Lamont with the world!  I might even use glitter.  Ugh.  Glitter.  I love that guy.  

I have to go.  I simply cannot do three things at once.  Two games and one journal entry is just too much for me.  I wasn’t even supposed to be typing a journal entry.  I’m supposed to be finishing a project for Father’s Day for all the amazing men in my life.  Yes, I am aware that Father’s Day was last Sunday. 

Did I mention I’m finally being clinically tested for ADD?

Squirrel!  

Love, Your Little Girl

I found some old journals in a box when I was sorting through things last night.  There was a time in my life, almost ten years ago now, when I filled a handful of journals over a couple of summers.  The introductory journal entry in one of the books caught my attention last night.  Suddenly, all that has happened since then makes so much sense, and even all of the crazy blessings that are happening now.  I am very careful with what I pray for, because I always get it.  Generally, I don't make specific prayers, but lately that has changed.  I'm having fun seeing just how much God is going to give me...it just keeps growing!!  I want to be careful with it all, though.  I know where it's all coming from, and I know He brought me through years of pain and deep sadness for a reason.  I want to honor it all.  It's hard to believe this was written by me almost 9 years ago.  Perhaps I should just let you read it for yourself...

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Dear Lord, 

The thoughts swim through my head so fast - it's as if I could never write fast enough not to miss one.  I remind myself that I have time.  I do not have to do anything but sit and write to you the rest of the day.  Lord, all this time I have been waiting around for someone to write letters to - letters that speak of love that's undefinable, of hope indescribable, of joy that's unreachable.  I realize the one I should be writing such letters to has been here all along - It's you, Lord.

It feels somewhat inappropriate to fill this letter with romantic love as well, but who created romantic love?  Who gave us the capabilities to feel something we could never actually describe?  It was you.

You have changed my heart.  How do I begin to repay You for something like that?

I cannot write all that's in my heart today.  I know what that guy was talking about - that one from Notre Dame - about what is unfathomable I can fathom and unutterable I can utter.  Lord, I am so thankful that I do not have to be in a particular place to know that experience - You have placed it deep within my own heart.  There it is for me whenever I choose to dig deep enough to unveil it.  

I picture someone watching me write - admiring me from afar, and realize someone is - it's You, Lord.  You created me and here I am being me - and you are finding joy watching me be who you created me to be.

Nothing can take this moment - though Satan would love to try. (The Lord rebuke you, Satan!)

Lord, why did you choose to save me?  What is it that simple me can do for Your Kingdom?  I know my insignificance in the whole scheme of things, yet in this moment you allow me to feel needed.  So many of us, Lord, seek you, and desire to see Your will be accomplished.  You think we would all come together and just do it.  Why do we let it become so hard?  Why do we let other people control our thoughts and motives?

Already this feeling is not what it was ten minutes ago.  It is not the feelings that matter, is it Lord?  It's truth.  So many times when we think of honesty as raw, and real, and hard - Love can be honest, beauty can be honest.  The truth can set you free - it doesn't have to be a harsh reality.  These words float from my soul, Lord, as I sit in my sneakers and ponytail.  I want to get lost in this moment, in these words, and be found by You.  You and me in the garden.

Speak to me, Lord.

I always thought that those girls who truly find love must feel like the luckiest girls in the world.  I feel that lucky now - but it is not luck - it is a plan.  As Your plan is revealed I wonder, why me?  Why this way?  Why today?  Oh God, how do I begin to reveal Your love to others?  I always wanted to be someone's little girl, but I have been all along.  I don't want to disappoint You, Father.  I despise my behavior when I do.

I feel I'm climbing higher and higher - closer to You with every step.

I feel blessed already - to know You might bless me beyond this is beyond me. I want to be last.  Bless everyone else first.  Bring hope to the hopeless - bring peace to broken hearts, feed the hungry, and send water to those who thirst.  Bring joy to those who weep and tears to those who need healing.  Reveal yourself to those who do not know You, but would be willing to serve You if they did.  Humble those who stand at the top - so they will not be thrown into the fire.  Bridge the gap for those who cannot find their way.  Hold the children in Your arms.  Call the sick Home to you so that they may suffer no more.  Walk beside my mother so that she will never have to walk alone.  After all of that is accomplished in Your name, Lord, then bless me.  

I know You will do all these things - because I have faith that You will. 

Why, oh why did You save me?  Why did You count me worthy to be loved once more?  I will do great things in Your name.  Make suffering a part of that, Lord.  It is hard for me to pray for suffering, but only then will I know I am truly Yours.  

Your love endures forever.

Sometimes, it's hard to go back to reality after moments like these, but the truth is - You are reality, Lord.  Your beauty is real.  Your love is real.  Your hope is real.  You are in every moment of every day.  You are the reality and that is beautiful!

You are no farther from me now as you were 3 hours ago when I was standing in line - 3 weeks ago when I was dancing at a reception - 3 years ago when I couldn't see a way out of a relationship - 3 decades ago when I was just a breath on Your lips.

We come, we go, we live, we die.  How am I supposed to share that with others?

It's too much power.  I didn't know how to handle it.  I give it to You, Lord.  You handle it.  The fear of my potential leaves me frozen.  I won't know how to handle it once I tap into it.  I fear I will be foolish with it.  Lord, I give it to You.  There is love, and there is fear.  Your love casts out all fears.  Some people won't like me - but it will be unmistakable who I stand for.  

Grant me courage.

Grant me nothing except that which I will use for Your glory only!

Help me to be Your little girl.  Even if no one else watches as I dance on stage - twirling, You are there - looking on and loving Your creation.  I want to make You proud of me, Lord.

I am going to keep singing my song, and painting my canvas.  That's all I know to do do is to just be.  I don't know how that could be good enough for You - but it is.

I'll share every moment of this life with You, Lord.  That brings me joy nothing else ever could. 

Love You, forever.

Colleen

"I See Skies of Blue...Clouds of White..."

I am just at home this morning, finally!  I was folding some laundry, and attempting to sort and tuck away some of the boxes still stacked in my room, when I looked at my computer and said 'Sit down and write a stinkin' blog update'.  So, here I am.  The sun is shining through my amazing wall of windows, Pandora is playing a Dance Cardio mix, the fan is blowing on me, and I'm sitting on my real bed that I finally retrieved from my mom's.  The weather is perfect, a balmy 80 degrees.  My plans today consist of attending my roommate, Adam's, ice hockey game with another roommate, Doug, and then taking Doug to the airport, going to rehearsal (yay!) and then heading to the lake house to end the night cuddled up on the couch with Bill.  Best day ever!!!

I can't lie, life is so good right now it's almost making me anxious, but just when I feel myself even growing a little anxious about it, I remind myself that it's okay that life is good right now, and I should just smile and enjoy it.  It's a little overwhelming that it's all coming together all at once, though.  It's kind of like my sister's experience on the trail.  They really need to sit and enjoy the rests, and the kindness and generosity from others, and the refreshment, because it's not always going to be like that.  The good helps you get through the tough, you know?  I remind myself that there are peaks and valleys, and it's okay to relish in the peaks, and also appreciate the valleys.  I appreciate life so much right now, it's overwhelming.  I am so blessed, and so.....happy.  I know there are sad people in the world, and people who have so much less than me, and I think about people like that all throughout the day.  I choose to do what I can with what I have, and realize I can't control others and/or how they choose to feel.  I can only do the best I can, give within my means, recognize the blessings in my own life, and be thankful.

I have played this little game recently that requires me to say yes when anyone offers anything to me, whether help, or resources, to be part of something I'm doing, or even just assistance carrying something or opening a door.  I've been doing it for about a month, and it's changing my life.  Seriously.  It's amazing how often I have refused others' help in the past.  It's amazing how blessed all parties can feel if you just relent and allow someone to help.  

A few weeks ago, I had one of the best visits with my mom and my nephew.  I just hung out with my nephew and had a nice conversation with my mom.  It was great!  She was listening to me, and I was listening to her.  I just really looked at her and realized how hard life has been on her.  She is still my mom, though, and still has that twinkle in her eye, you know?  I love her for it, and hope she continues to be true to herself.  I want to celebrate her.  I want to let her rest, and stop being so hard on her.  I want to stop expecting her to be everything to me, and just let her be.  I want to to do that with everyone in my life.  I think that's where this happiness is coming from.  I gave up acceptance.  I don't need others to validate me for me to feel whole.  I've stopped expecting so much from everyone, and just enjoy listening and getting to truly know everyone.  It's amazing how pleasantly surprised I've become at every turn.  I'm so lucky!

Bill has become another surprise.  I have known him for 14 years, and it's like I'm seeing him for the first time.  It's like suddenly I can't wait to introduce him to....EVERYONE!!  He is the best man I know, I mean truly good to the core, and the hardest worker I have ever come across, and he wants to be with ME!!!  :)  He is romantic, strong, well respected, and good.  It's weird.  I don't know when this change came about, very recently, no doubt.  Part of me starts to feel almost guilty about it.  I mean, as little as a month ago I thought my heart belonged to someone else.  How could that change so suddenly?  Is that even possible?  The best part, it's all very subtle, very quiet.  It's growing in a slow, steady way.  It's not this leaping for joy love that explodes out of me.  Bill makes me....calm.  I'm still silly, and energetic, but deep down, where it counts, my heart is...calm.  There is a song from a Broadway play called "It's a Quiet Thing".  It's about love being quiet and lasting, not some clang of bells, or fireworks that we grow up hearing about.  It doesn't even feel real that I'm typing this right now.  I'm just taking it one moment, one day, one week at a time.  No more analyzing!  Feeling blessed that such a good man has waited all this time...for me.  Lucky me!!!!!  (He brought me up to see mom on Mother's day and helped me bring back a bed and dresser for my room.  I let him do it all, and just enjoyed every second of it.  It was a great visit.  We just sat and talked with my mom on Sunday before we left.  It just seemed so right for those two to finally meet.  It was all so...right.)

I had my play with the kids at work on Friday.  It could not have gone any better!!!!  Seriously, what is happening?  So much joy and goodness.  The kids faces said it all.  We had over 100 people in attendance, and I refused to freak out during the whole process.  We even had an impromptu dance party on stage while people were walking in, before the whole thing got started.  I worked very hard, was blessed with a great team helping me out, and had a blast.  That's what life is all about, right?

My roommate, Stuart just poked his head in and invited me to a fundraiser at a great place.  I'm being responsible and said no.  I need to spend at least one full hour on this crazy room.  I don't get any time during the week due to work and rehearsal.  It's nice that I'm starting to be included with things my roommates are doing.  We all just sat on the porch last night while the sun set, and I had a root beer float.  It was glorious.  Again, I get a funny feeling in my gut that this is all too good, then I immediately tell that funny feeling to go away, and I move on with my awesome day.  

I go to Eastern on Wednesday to take care of some details...like registering for classes!!!  I have been approved for enough loans to take care of the first year, plus some help with living expenses, if I need it.  No matter what, my first year is taken care of!!!!!  :) :) :)  I know once I get there and start working, they will be throwing money at me to continue my work at that school.  I know how good I am, and my potential is endless.  I can't wait for the opportunity to work and learn so much, and help people in the process!!!!!  What a great opportunity I have in front of me.  I don't want to take any of it for granted!!  :)  

Lately, I have felt really connected to my family.  I have reached out and they are reaching back.  I have watched too many of my relatives and friends die unhappy and unhealthy.  I don't know why I wasn't in their lives more, but I wasn't.  I can't change what happened, but I can change what happens now.  I don't have much in the way of family, so there's no reason why I can't stay connected to the family I have with me now.  I think I have always kept everyone at arms length because then it's a bit easier to handle when they leave or pass away.  The truth is, it's not easier, so why not bless those closest to me while I can?

I'm learning so much about love, and life, and the world.  I want to learn more!!!  I'm so appreciative that I have lived long enough to come to this place of enlightenment, you know?  Now, I get to apply it all to my life and see how far I can take it!  I just want to stay grounded, dream big, stay positive and keep this light in my heart, and never stop loving and listening to others.

"...and I think to myself....what a wonderful world...." 

For I Know the Plans I Have For You....

There is a video I posted on Facebook of a little curly-haired blonde girl in her pajamas singing to herself in the mirror about how she loves everything in her life, and how she is good at things, and it's hysterical.  That little girl is totally me, and how I have always been since I was very little, no matter what's happened to me.  I still have moments like that, of thankfulness and pure joy and confidence, dancing and making up songs in my bedroom, even when nobody is looking.  I have a light and an optimism inside of me that is virtually unmatched in anyone I know.  It's real, and it's still there, even after everything that's happened.  Though that light-haired dancing optimist gets a little lost sometimes, especially recently, she still shows up from time to time, and I'm starting to find her again, all by myself.

I don't need this city to work for me in order for me to feel good about my life.  This city needs me.  I don't need some grand success by the world's standards to feel validated.  All the little things I do for others (including strangers) every day means more than any great role, job, house, or success I could have in this world.  I don't need other people to feel good about me.  People need me to feel good about them.  I don't need to punish myself or feel ashamed, that's God's job, not mine, and He never wants me to feel that way.  Lately, I've been feeling some growing pains, as if I'm at the edge of some big change.  I've been feeling it coming for a while.  Well, this is it.  It's the realization of my life's true purpose.  It took me to completely break down, and end up truly alone, to realize it.  I broke on Friday night.  I was already breaking because of all the new things in my life.  January was one of the worst month's of my life, and it seemed, even though I was trying my hardest to move forward, everything was just getting worse with my sister leaving, Jeff's illness, couch surfing and sleeping at my office, trying and failing to make new friends and trying to keep in touch with old ones, trying and failing to re-enter the crazy dating world, stress and big changes at work, acclimating to a new living environment, my brother-in-law's heart problems, thinking about Kevin and knowing I couldn't save him, not having enough money, the stress of organizing stuff for grad school and plan B and C, school loans, you name it.  I've been on the verge of breaking, but somehow managing to barely hold on, for a couple of months.  I think the only thing helping me hold on was exercising, eating right, and throwing little prayers out there, most of the time.  Then, on Friday I was sick in the morning, and I found out a new group of friends (one friend especially who I absolutely adored) was saying and thinking things about me that weren't true, and then I went to my old house one last time, alone, to clean and pack everything.  I broke.  I've never felt so completely alone in this world as I did when I went to sleep that night.

I needed that, though.  Because, I woke up very early in the morning, and I was still here, and I was okay.  I looked brighter that morning because I was, much brighter.  God needed me to be utterly alone so I could realize I'm never actually alone, and every person is still in need of me, even the ones who treat me poorly.  God needed me to be utterly alone so that He could finally show me what my true purpose is in this life.  I always thought I would be someone important, do some big things in my life.  Well, I have, and I will.  The world may not recognize it, or even appreciate it, but I'm doing things right.  This is what I'm meant to do with my life:  Love God, and love people.  It's simple.  Sometimes the world can make you feel like so many other things are more important.  I just want to make people happy, or rather, help people find happiness within themselves.  If I would have stopped to think about it, I would have realized, that is my purpose.  I know what people need in their lives when I meet them, and I try to give it to them.  Here I've been fighting and trying so hard to get to this next awesome step or journey in my life, trying to be successful, or smarter, or fix all my mistakes, or be more lovable, or famous, or whatever.  My life's purpose has been in front of me the whole time.  I offer light, and peace, motivation, and joy, and sometimes I offer perspective and advice when it's appropriate.  I just have to remember not to offer all of myself to every person I meet without first going back to God to regain strength and perspective.  A friend of mine asked me not too long ago if I have ever been in love.  I think, the trouble with me is, I fall in love with every person I meet.  That's both tragic and wonderful, excruciating and exhilarating.

I'm lucky.  My life's purpose is easy, and completely doable.  Every day there's somebody who needs me.  Today I met an older gentleman who had just been to a memorial for one of his buddies.  His heart was broken.  I'm so glad I met him and listened to stories about his friend.  He just wanted someone to know how great this guy was, and that he didn't deserve to die the way he did.  All he needed from me was for me to listen, and truly care about what he was saying.  Why did I always try to make everything so difficult?  It's so simple.

I can still move forward.  I can still go to school and strive to be smarter, healthier, more financially stable, and well rounded.  Those things will only make me better for others.  I have finally learned that the better I take care of myself, the better I am able to take care of others.  I am finding balance, and moderation in all I am and do.  I will never fully arrive.  Thank goodness, because then there is always something to work towards.  I will always be a little bit crazy with my emotions.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I feel things very strongly.  I finally see that there is nothing wrong with that.  I do need to get better about reaching out to others when I need it, allowing others to be there for me, and I'm working on it.  I know when I reach out people won't always be able to give me what I need.  I see that now.  It doesn't mean that I stop reaching.  It doesn't mean I'm alone.  It means God wants me to sit still and look to Him, be grateful, and listen.

I know how much I am cared about by others, and I appreciate it.  I hope they know how much I care about them, too.  I'm lucky.  Because of my most recent relationship, I know what it is now to give someone both the best and worst parts of me.  I've never done that before.  I thank him for trusting me with the best and worst parts of himself, too.  I'm so glad he did.  Who knew some of the best parts of our relationship were going to happen after we broke up?  I feel like we're just starting to get it.  We were lucky to have it.  We're lucky that we still do, even if it's in a different way.  Even with all of this pain that I have felt, I wouldn't trade any of this for anything.  All of it has helped me to find who and what I am meant to be in this life.  For that, I will always be grateful.

Love God, love others.  Here I've been searching for a much bigger gift.  I don't think it gets any bigger or greater than love.